labeling myself as a "solo person" not a "single person"

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I think as a society, when someone says they're single, we subconsciously think that they haven’t found love yet in their life.

And I think that’s really shitty to think this way.

I think this goes along the line of knowing the difference between being alone and being lonely. Like how when people say they're alone, we assume it's because they're sad.

But that's not the case. Being alone can be peaceful and not feel lonely. Because you can still feel lonely in a relationship or being with a crowd of friends.

Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve learned how to be alone in my entire life. I was constantly feeling lonely.

I always felt the need to have someone with me when I go out to do activities. Then only to be disappointed when no one wants to join me.

Dependent is what I was.

Growing up, I just coped on how to be alone. I had friends in high school and in college. I made lots of them.

But I don’t think I realized then how lonely I was and that’s why I kept seeking friendships and even relationships in my teens and in my 20s. I was trying to fit in everywhere I went without developing real connections.

(Or maybe it was because I was undiagnosed neurodivergent but that's a different story)

my attachments

After my recent break-up, I knew that I had to take a break from relationships even from dating since being with my ex for 7 years was basically my identity. He was my first real long-term relationship because all my previous relationships only lasted a year (more or less). I thought for sure this was the end game since I FINALLY found someone who will stay with me. Obviously, we parted ways.

My healing journey began when I read books about attachments, self-love, and learning to let go. It finally clicked for me that my relationship with my parents reflects on my romantic relationships as well in my friendships.

In short, my relationship with my parents was complicated. Thus my romantic relationships and some friendships were complicated too.

One key takeaway from the books that I read was that I have too many attachments to people. And that’s why I experienced so many heartbreaks. With the lack of better words upon my reflection, I was “possessive” but not in a toxic way (ok, maybe), but definitely to the extent that I fear abandonment.

People can’t be owned or possessed. They’re simply human, and they’re allowed to leave if the connection doesn’t serve them anymore.

When this finally sunk into my little ADHD and anxious brain, I had to keep on reassuring myself:

"They’re not leaving you." | "They still love you." | "They still care." | "They’re just busy."

I still say these things to myself to this day when I’m feeling abandoned.

And if the other person does choose to “leave me” then I just have to let it be. Even if the effort of trying to keep the relationship going, I accept that it is ok for them to not reciprocate, and move on.

giving love

One of the biggest things that I know about myself is that I have so much love to give.

Saying “I love you” is very easy for me because I fall hard and fast. It’s also easy for me to say to friends too because of how much we bond. But the con of loving someone or giving love is quickly attaching myself to those people. And that’s something that I’m still working on.

I can still love others, but I’m learning to become less attached simply because it’ll help me let go easily and lessen the heartbreak whenever that happens.

Fast forward to the present day: I think saying that I am a single person means that "I am a lonely loveless person”. Whereas saying I’m a solo person, it gives "I’m an independent person who loves others and life" which is the energy that I want to exude.

Labels are stupid, but this is unfortunately the way it goes.

It took me a whole year to get to where I am today, but sometimes it does take this long to finally feel this mature or even secure. (I still feel anxious, but the progress to security is there!)

I do love myself now.

I do feel independent.

I will never stop loving someone even if they're not an active part of my life anymore.

I am not a single person, but I am a solo person.

-jemellee

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